What If My Spouse Abuses Me?

By Rob Jackson, Founder & Lead Coach

Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy

All marriages are sacred, but not all are safe. 

Sean grew up with an abusive father. Vowing never to be like his dad, he made sure to avoid using physical violence toward his wife. But the anger he'd absorbed for years frequently led him to assault her verbally and emotionally. 

Mia was crushed by his abuse, but told herself, "That's just Sean. He can't help himself." She'd learned to walk on eggshells as a child, blaming herself when her mom flew into a rage. Now she did the same thing with her husband. 

〜 Many people assume abuse hasn't occurred unless there's a physical mark; but as creations with bodies, minds, and spirits, we suffer wounds on each level. 〜

How do you know when you're being abused? It can help to know that abuse comes in many forms. Author Paul Hegstrom, in his book Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them (Beacon Hill Press, 2004), counts 16 kinds of domestic violence only one of which is physical. Many people assume abuse hasn't occurred unless there's a physical mark; but as creations with bodies, minds, and spirits, we suffer wounds on each level. 

Some spouses claim they can handle physical abuse more easily than being demeaned verbally and emotionally. Examples of ways in which partners misuse power without doing physical harm would include gambling away the grocery money or scolding a mate while compulsively auditing a supermarket receipt. 

Statistics and stereotypes spotlight the abusive husband, but wives have also abused spouses. No matter who the abuser is, though, abuse can be manifested actively or passively. The categories are as follows: 

• Active physical abuse, including hitting, slapping, punching, choking, pinching, shoving, hair pulling, and kicking. 
• Passive physical abuse, including "posturing" violence, such as punching the wall, slamming doors, throwing or breaking things, and stomping. 
• Active verbal abuse, including name calling, sarcasm, profanity, yelling, screaming, and poorly timed (in front of others) or unfair criticism or comparison. 
• Passive verbal abuse, including the "silent treatment," muttering, sigh- ing, and other derisive sounds or lack of verbal affirmation. 
• Active emotional abuse, including "mind games," preferential treatment, double standards (which change from person to person), and inconsis- tent standards (which change from day to day). 
• Passive emotional abuse, including chronic moodiness, holding someone "emotional hostage," and withholding appropriate emotional care or affirmation. 
• Active sexual abuse, including forced anal, vaginal, or oral penetration. 
• Passive sexual abuse, including indecent exposure and displaying pornography. 
• Active spiritual abuse, including mockery, ridicule, overspiritualizing, and misusing Scripture as a means of control. 
• Passive spiritual abuse, including refusal to participate in spiritually meaningful activities and failure to affirm spiritual involvement. 

If your spouse is abusing you, here are four things you need to keep in mind. 

1.  Abuse is always wrong. Some try to excuse it. Most perpetrators have a sense of entitlement, thinking their actions are justified. Ironically, their victims may also believe they deserve to be mistreated. Some will even defend their abuser, citing his or her earnest apologies afterward. 

But abuse in any form, for any reason, wounds both spouses. It's always sinful, and few things destroy trust in a marriage as quickly. Regardless of childhood pain or marital conflict, mature spouses learn to set limits so anger doesn't become abuse by frequency, degree, or duration. 

〜 Abuse is always sinful, and few things destroy trust in a marriage as quickly. Regardless of childhood pain or marital conflict, mature spouses learn to set limits so anger doesn't become abuse. 〜

2.  Abuse takes two to continue. Domestic violence is a paradox. There's an active partner in crime and a passive one. One abuses, the other tolerates it. The cooperation of both parties drives the cycle. It's not fair, but abuse rarely stops until the victim makes choices to stop it. 

Some spouses need protection and counsel before confronting their abusers. Depending on state law, an order of protection may be arranged through a private attorney. Families and friends can be a valuable support, but it's difficult for them to remain objective. In most cases, it's necessary to get additional aid from a therapist or shelter. 

If you can't persuade your spouse to get help privately, call your pastor or other church leaders. They should be ready to help you find safety first, then offer ongoing support to help heal your marriage. For an overview of a biblical process of church intervention and discipline, see Matthew 18:15-17. 

Remember that the first few hours of a domestic conflict are often the most dangerous. Get help sooner, not later. If you or your children are at risk, call the police. Focus on the Family's "Troubled- With" Web site advises, "Get out of the abusive situation. Even if you want to try to work things out, finding a shelter or a friend to stay with will stop the abuse right away. Leave quickly and without discussing your departure with your violent spouse. If you are in fear for your safety or your children's, contact your local law enforcement agency to find out what steps to take to get a restraining order against your abusive partner."

〜 One abuses, the other tolerates it. The cooperation of both parties drives the cycle. It's not fair, but abuse rarely stops until the victim makes choices to stop it. 〜

3.  Abuse is a symptom of a deeper problem. Mistreatment is bad enough, but it also indicates other trouble. 

First, the abuser has an intrapersonal conflict inside. Healing his injured thoughts and emotions will help the abuser stop his behavior. 

Second, the interpersonal conflict between husband and wife needs resolu- tion. While the perpetrator is solely responsible for the abuse, both may have contributed to the escalation leading up to it. 

4.  Marriage is for committed lovers, not hostages. Marriage is a sacred relation- ship created for two people who complete each other spiritually. While it requires sacrificial service, it is not a call to martyrdom. In many cases of domes- tic violence, a therapeutic separation is necessary to gain safety and direct atten- tion to the gravity of the need for change.

Laws affecting marriage are unique to each state; consult an attorney to find out more. Your options for recourse in the case of an abusive marriage include the following: 

• Separation with no legal intervention. This provides no financial or physi- cal safeguards. If you choose to leave without any children of the relation- ship, even temporarily, you may inadvertently harm your chances of gaining custody later. 
• Some states also allow for an order of protection or temporary restrain- ing order. These require the help of an attorney who will take the peti- tion before a judge. 

In the event of an emergency injunction, you'll usually go to a safe shelter. If you choose to have contact with your abuser during the course of the restrain- ing order, it may become legally void, so you must approach this option with the determination to cooperate with the system. 

• Separate maintenance or legal separation. Some states provide this option,. which sometimes allows for protection against financial or physical harm. While divorce may be a legal option, most Christians would hope to avoid this. If, after a period of separation for safety and a request for counseling, your spouse continues to be abusive and unrepentant, talk to your pastor about your church's view on this subject. 

Abusive situations can be complex. But the question of whether to take action on them is relatively simple. 

〜 Remember that the first few hours of a domestic conflict are often the most dangerous. Get help sooner, not later. 〜

When Sean's rages started waking up their newborn son, Mia had a terrible vision of what the future might be if nothing changed. I should have done this for myself, she thought, but I will certainly get help for Hunter's sake. 

The next day over lunch, Mia told Sean, “I love you, but you've got to do something about your anger. I've called the church and gotten the name of a counselor. If you want Hunter and me to stay, you'll go talk to him." 

It was a hard step for Mia to take. But it was the right one.