What Does She Want from Me?

"Do you want to talk about it?" Evan's voice was flat, his eyes unable to meet Anna's. 

"Yeah, I guess," she said, and shrugged. 

Looks like she's given up, he thought. 

Last night had been hard for both of them. After two and a half years of marriage, they seemed to have reached a dead end, sexually speaking. They'd tried new things, but it was a hit-or-miss process. Even when he tried to pleas- ure her the way she suggested, he never seemed to get it right. They both just ended up frustrated. 

What do women want? he thought. I mean, what does she want? 

Understanding what your wife wants starts with recognizing that your sexual appetites and responses aren't quite like hers. Some differences are obvious; others are more subtle. Here are some examples: 

• The male body can be ready for intercourse more quickly than the female. 
• A man's physical response is often "hot linked" with visual stimulation; a woman's sexual response usually takes more time and is tied to emotion. 
• Some women can achieve another orgasm soon after the first, while the man's "turnaround" time is much longer. 

Gender differences make things complicated enough. Beyond that, each individual's sexual response is unique. 

What does your wife want from her sexual relationship with you? Here are four things most women need from their husbands. 

〜 Understanding what your wife wants starts with recognizing that your sexual appetites and responses aren't quite like hers. 〜

1.  Romance. A woman's need for emotional intimacy to precede physical intimacy is at the heart of what we call romance. But being romantic involves more than buying her roses though they're usually a good idea. Almost any action or setting can be romantic when it holds special meaning for the participants. 

Romance can mean something different to each individual, but the common factor for most women involves a feeling of being valued. Become a student of your wife at the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual levels. Ask her what turns her on sexually. Find out what makes her feel cherished. Strive to be the world's greatest expert on her. While you learn the mechanics of pleasing her, you'll be showing her you think she's worth studying. 

2.  Nonsexual touch. A husband can easily make the mistake of thinking that "doing unto others" (see Matthew 7:12) includes approaching his wife sexually in the way he'd like her to approach him. But the application of Jesus' teaching here is to woo her as she desires and needs to be approached. 

Men often like overtly sexual advances, but most women say they prefer a more relational approach. Your nonsexual touch throughout the day tells your wife you value her as being much more than just an object of desire. If the only time you touch her is when you want sex, the inadvertent message you send is that you want to use her body rather than love her whole person. 

3.  Intimacy. For most wives, emotional intimacy must precede physical inti- macy. Respect, safety, and friendship are essential to unlocking her heart. If you habitually criticize or make barbed jokes about her, you'll find she's not responsive sexually when she feels unsafe emotionally. 

If both of you are Christians, intimacy--the connection of minds and hearts---can be a natural extension of your shared faith. It may seem strange to think in terms of being brother and sister in Christ, but it's actually the key to your deepest bond. Sharing your thoughts, goals, needs, and hurts is a way of renewing your minds together in Christ (see Romans 12:2). 

〜 Being romantic involves more than buying her roses-though they're usually a good idea. 〜

4.  Purity. A wife's sense of emotional safety depends on how much she can trust you. This isn't limited to sexual fidelity. She needs to see you being voluntarily accountable for your time, your money, your eyes, and of your life. In other words, show her she can entrust herself to you. 

A second part of her need for your purity is your role in her spiritual nurture. Servant leadership in the home carries out God's intended role for the hus- band to be a picture of Christ. Just as Christ laid down His life for His bride, the church, take every opportunity to pour out your life for her sake (see Ephesians 5:25-31). When your wife sees you growing, serving, and leading spiritu- ally, it frees her to give herself to you in every way, including sexually. 

Those four principles apply to most wives. But what about yours? 

When you get right down to it, there's only one way to find out what your wife really wants. Ask her. 

That means honest conversation, even if it's a little uncomfortable at first. Here are Evan and Anna again, trying to get that conversation going. 

Evan sets two cups of coffee on the kitchen table and sits across from his wife. She's the first to speak, and the frustration tumbles out. 

"I just felt so awkward last night. I always imagined sex would be easy, like a romantic movie. You know, where the characters just fall into each other's arms and automatically know what to do without any words." 

〜 Find out what makes her feel cherished. Strive to be the world's greatest expert on her. 〜

Evan nods, relieved that they're finally getting things into the open. "Me, too. Those movies leave you thinking there isn't anything confusing or messy." He pauses, watching the coffee steam cup. "Look... I think we just need to say what we're thinking and wanting. If something doesn't work, we can figure it out together." 

Anna shrugs again, but this time with a smile. "I guess. We're a good team on everything else. Why not this, too?" 

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

If this article encouraged you, subscribe to receive weekly marriage insights and resources from Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy: Subscribe on Substack