What About Marriage Counseling?

"But if anyone knew we were seeing a counselor, they would think we were getting a divorce or something!" Tamara fretted. 

She and Shane were sitting in the office of their pastor, Dan.They'd just had an hour of heated discussion. "We just wanted to see what your opinion was about our situation," Tamara continued. "Why can't you just help us through this little bump in the road?” 

"I think you guys are dealing with a lot more than just a disagreement here, Tamara," Dan answered. 

Do you or your spouse, like Tamara, get a little queasy at the idea of going to a marriage therapist? Are you afraid that coun- seling is for "crazies"? 

〜 "But if anyone knew we were seeing a counselor, they would think we were getting a divorce or something!" 〜

While premarital counseling has gained popularity, there is still prejudice against getting help after the wedding. Some churches have counselors on staff, but many Christians still hear, “Just pray about it." Whether voiced or not, the message seems to be that Christians shouldn't need professional counseling unless they are really bad off. 

This attitude virtually ensures that people will have bigger problems, because like a sore tooth or raveling thread, early intervention is key to the solu- tion. Every couple has disagreements, and many work through them effectively on their own or with a pastor. But when a pattern of serious conflict starts to emerge, getting help sooner than later can mean big benefits down the road. 

Here are five things you need to know about seeing a marriage counselor. 

1.  It's not weird. And it's not like TV. 

Many people avoid going to therapy because they fear they'll have to lie on a couch and reveal secrets to someone who just nods a lot. They may also be afraid they'll have tearful and embarrassing "breakthroughs.” 

Others avoid the counselor's office because they believe it's too expensive or that it will take years to gain any benefit. But most therapy is actually brief- and, when compared to alternatives like depression, divorce, or chronic anxiety, quite cost effective. For those who need it, counseling is not so much an expense as it is an investment. 

Professional counseling is a relationship with safety built in. Professional ethics ensure you will be treated with respect and care. Conversations that occur in the counselor's office could happen as easily at home. The purpose is to affirm, not tear down, and the main task is equipping. As you talk, the counselor tailors his or her professional knowledge to your personal situation. 

〜 There is still prejudice against getting help after the wedding. Some churches have counselors on staff, but many Christians still hear, "Just pray about it." 〜

2.  Christians need Christian therapy. For one who fol- lows Christ, faith is central to every part of life. For this rea- son it's rarely wise for people to undergo secular therapy that isolates their emotions, thoughts, or behaviors from their faith. It's like using fertilizer; an all-purpose formula might help any plant a little, but for best results you have to consider whether you're growing tulips or tomatoes. 

When looking for the right counselor, a good starting place is your local church. Ask for referral to a counselor who's licensed and uses a Christ-centered, biblically sound approach. If your church staff doesn't know of a therapist, Focus on the Family has a referral network of Christian counselors. For information, call (719) 531-3400 and ask for the counseling department.

3.  Be prepared to deal with the whole picture. Most of us tend to get preoccupied with one or two pieces of our lives. Even therapists run this risk, as they offer communication training to those who actually communicate very well. with everyone but their spouse or children. Or a client may request anger management or assertiveness training-instead of addressing the reason he or she is aggressive or timid in the first place. 

Often the "big picture" includes the influence of your family of origin. It makes no more sense to ignore that influence on your current conflicts than it would to polish the leaves on a tree suffering from root damage. A good counselor will help you look at your marital issues in context, exploring family systems as well as integrating your relationship with Christ. 

4.  It's worth the sacrifice. At first, the decision to seek counsel may seem to make your life more complicated. Identifying a good therapist, rearranging your budget, securing child care if needed, and negotiating with a spouse may make sweeping your issues under the rug look appealing. But the longer you put off dealing with the real problems, the more complex they become. 

As for cost, you may have a fancier vacation in five years if you put the "counseling money" in the vacation fund. But what good will it do if you aren't together to enjoy it? 

〜 Most therapy is actually brief-and, when compared to alternatives like depression, divorce, or chronic anxiety, quite cost effective. 〜

5.  Deep wounds need deep treatment. Some issues, such as abortion, addiction, or sexuality, have deep spiritual ramifications. These topics can cause shame and fear to well up dramatically and unexpectedly. They deserve the intensive care of a professional counselor trained to deal with them. 

Attending even the best weekend marriage conference to try to address deep wounds is like putting a fresh coat of paint on a house that has a faulty foundation. Marriages with deep, untreated issues can last for years, but collapse unexpectedly when the storm gets bad. 

Should you and your spouse see a counselor? Consider the advice Pastor Dan gave Tamara: "Why not just go see this lady and find out what she thinks? You don't have to be crazy or getting a divorce to go to counseling. Sara and I have talked with her ourselves, when we had some tough issues to figure out. It may encourage you and Shane as it did for us to get a better perspective on things." 

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

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