Parenting Adult Children: Finding Peace When You Can’t Change Their Choices
Introduction
No matter how old they are, they’re still our children—and we still feel their choices in the deepest parts of our hearts.
In more than forty years of counseling and coaching, I’ve noticed a growing challenge in the relationship between parents and their adult children. The distance, misunderstandings, and unspoken tensions seem to be increasing—not only for parents but also for the adult children themselves. Both sides often feel unseen, unheard, or misjudged.
I write this not only as a counselor and coach, but also as a fellow pilgrim who has wrestled with these same challenges. I know what it is to hope, to fear, to wish you could step in and fix what’s broken—and to learn, often slowly, that love is deeper than control and trust is stronger than anxiety.
The Parent’s First Move
In many cases, parents must take the first step toward a better way of relating. Scripture urges us to be “slow to speak and quick to listen” (James 1:19), and this wisdom is vital when tensions run high. Our role is not to dominate the conversation or to win the argument, but to model respect—hoping the relationship will grow in mutual respect over time.
Yes, truth matters. But so do the tone of our voice, the words we choose in a text or email, the expression on our face, and the posture of our body. Each of these can either invite openness or quietly close the door to connection. We can approach our adult children with genuine humility, trusting that God is at work in ways we cannot yet see, and that His Spirit can use patience and gentleness to prepare the soil for honest, grace-filled conversations.
That posture of humility opens the way to the first practice—growing in emotional intelligence.
1. Growing in Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence in parenting an adult child is not about controlling their feelings, but stewarding our own. It is the Spirit-enabled capacity to name what is true within us—our grief, our frustration, our fear—without letting those emotions dictate unwise reactions.
It involves becoming aware of what’s happening inside us when our child’s life doesn’t match our hopes, and inviting the Spirit to speak truth into that place. As we learn to manage our inner world, we become calmer, wiser, and more compassionate in our responses.
But even as we grow in self-awareness, we face a reality: there will always be things we cannot change.
2. Surrendering What We Cannot Change
Jesus’ prayer in Gethsemane, “Not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42), invites us into the posture of surrender. Surrender is not resignation—it is active trust. We release our grip on what we cannot control, not because it doesn’t matter, but because it matters too much to be left in our own hands.
This is the point where a parent stops trying to be the savior and starts trusting the Savior. We still pray, still love, and still speak truth when given the opportunity—but we stop carrying the crushing weight of outcomes that belong to Him alone.
If you need a prayer that helps you release what is not yours to carry, I invite you to visit The Serenity Prayer
3. Practicing Self-Control in the Spirit
Paul lists self-control as the final fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23). This is no accident. Self-control guards the gates of the soul, keeping us from saying too much, rescuing too quickly, or retaliating when wounded.
In the Spirit, self-control becomes more than willpower—it becomes God’s power in us. It may mean pausing before you reply to a heated text, choosing to let a small criticism pass without defending yourself, or giving space for your child to make decisions without rushing in to manage the outcome.
It is the quiet strength that says, “Lord, I am willing to be present without taking over. I trust You enough to let my child face You directly.”
Finding Rest in God’s Hands
You don’t have to carry this alone. God’s hands are strong enough to hold both you and your child. If you are ready to release what you cannot change, I invite you to spend time with The Serenity Prayer
If you’re a parent of an adult child and want a safe place to process your concerns, explore healthy boundaries, and walk in greater peace, I invite you to schedule a free discovery call with me. In this conversation, we’ll talk about your hopes, your challenges, and what a path forward might look like. There’s no obligation—just an opportunity to connect and see if my coaching approach can serve you well.