How Should We Handle Friendships with Others?

Sam and Julie have been married almost two years. Sam has a group of buddies he's been hanging with since high school. Depending on the season, their soft- ball league and early morning calls to the deer stand keep him pretty busy. 

Julie is getting worried. She'd imagined cozy evenings together in their new home, and wonders why Sam doesn't spend more time with her. When he stays out late without calling, her anxiety turns to anger. 

Sam argues that as long as he isn't doing anything "wrong," he should have the same freedom that he had when he was single. But Julie wants to be first in his life. What are they to do? 

Friends are a big part of our lives. They've been with us through school, breakups, and job changes, and stood with us at our weddings. Every marriage inherits some from each spouse and gains more along the way. 

But friendships can unsettle a marriage, too. How should you handle it when they threaten to destabilize yours? Here are five suggestions. 

1.  Remember your most important earthly friendship. As your priorities shift into "marriage mode," they're influenced for better or worse by outside relationships. Each friend brings to your life his or her own value system (see 1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 22:24-25). Anything that affects you affects your marriage, too. And the longer you've waited to marry, the more likely that you've acquired friends who don't share all your values. 

〜 Sam argues that as long as he isn't doing anything "wrong," he should have the same freedom that he had when he was single. But Julie wants to be first in his life. 〜 

If your friends put even an amoral activity like work or shopping ahead of their marriages, you may have to reconsider how much to invest in your rela- tionship with them. If you're committed to Christ and they're involved in lifestyles that run counter to that, there's an even greater threat. Your friends' partying or gambling are dangerous enough to you, but can be a deathblow to your marriage. 

Your relationship with your spouse is your highest-priority friendship on earth. Any marriage, especially a new one, needs consistent nurture. While you're learning to meet each other's needs, keep this relationship second only to the one you have with Christ. 

2.   Look at the time. When conflicts arise over time spent with friends, try applying the strategies you use with money. Both topics are often muddied by emotion but clarified by a budget. Sit down together and review the time you spend with others. Ask your spouse how he or she feels about your friendships and the time you invest in them. 

Priorities identify what we should plug into our schedules first. Husbands and wives can reasonably expect to receive not all but the best of each other's time. After planning those quality slots for each other, you can commit to other healthy relationships without worry over offending or neglecting your spouse. 

3.  Show respect for your mate. Paul writes in Galatians 5:13, "You, my broth- ers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love." It's your responsibility to make every reasonable effort to keep your spouse's respect and trust, even if it means not doing something you may be technically "free" to do. 

Of particular concern are opposite-sex friendships. Opinions differ on this issue, but the safest approach is to avoid exclusive friendships or one-to-one time with a person of the other gender. Many people in today's culture will think these boundaries unnecessary, but that culture's sexualization poses real risk to a developing marriage. 

〜 Your relationship with your spouse is your highest-priority friendship on earth. Any marriage, especially a new one, needs consistent nurture. 〜 

Safe friends, regardless of gender, will earn your spouse's trust. Single or married, they are for your marriage. This could mean they refrain from calling you if they're of the opposite sex-or, if the same gender, they won't expect to spend inordinate amounts of time with you on the weekend. 

Staying accountable to your spouse for your time and activities can be a helpful safety net. Come home at a reasonable hour; call home if your plans change. Avoid the trap of forcing one spouse to parent or police the other. With respect and trust, greater flexibility will be there when needed. 

4.   Set a new pattern. Insecurity over any topic, including outside friends, tends to occur more often in new or immature marriages. That's why it's impor- tant to handle these issues responsibly early on. How you conduct yourself with others can make or break your spouse's trust. 

Simple habit can cause conflict over friendships. It may be second nature from her single days for a new wife to accept a lunch appointment with a male friend. Not having "shifted gears" yet in her thinking, she may not realize until later that the invitation should now include her spouse or be turned down. 

With consistent effort and calm resolve, you and your mate can forge prac- tical friendship guidelines that will serve you for a lifetime. Once you find a set of principles you're comfortable with, though, carefully consider exceptions as needed. For example, when work requires you to spend time with a person of the opposite gender, keeping your spouse informed may be a better solution than changing jobs. 

〜 Husbands and wives can reasonably expect to receive not all but the best of each other's time. After planning those quality slots for each other, you can commit to other healthy relationships without worry over offending or neglecting your spouse. 〜

5.   Strike a balance. A healthy marriage con- sists of two healthy individuals. No one wants to be smothered, and God didn't design marriage to meet anyone's every relational need. 

Some new couples make the mistake of spending nearly all their time with each other. When a spouse is too insecure to tolerate a mate going out with friends, he or she is undermining the marriage rather than protecting it. A good balance of time alone and time with others can foster marital health. 

Each marriage is unique; outside of Scripture, there's no set of rules on friendship that will apply to everyone. You and your mate must work together to strike a balance of trust that works for you. As you find that balance, remember that it's not about rules--it's about relationship.  

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

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