What If an In-law Tries to Run Our Lives?
By Rob Jackson, Founder & Lead Coach
Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy
Savannah cringed at the sound of the phone. Her mother called at least once every day. Sometimes she'd talk for an hour.
Listening was hard enough. But managing the questions was harder.
"How's Jimmy treating you??
"Are you going to finish your degree before you have babies?"
"Why don't you two come visit our church instead of going to that 'contemporary worship center'? Why, they don't even have a steeple!"
"When are you going to try that diet book I got you for Christmas?"
Savannah's husband, Jimmy, had made it clear that he'd had enough of her mother calling and getting her upset. "You have got to stand up and be an adult,” he'd said the last time. “I'm tired of seeing you hurt under her thumb, and I'm ready to be married to an adult instead of a child."
But to Savannah, the thought of opening that can of worms seemed a lot worse than the slow trickle of torture she got in the daily phone calls.
Savannah and Jimmy probably would agree that relating to a controlling in- law is one of the trickiest problems a marriage can face. Some might even say that God offers preemptive advice on the topic-by directing us to leave our father and mother and "cleave" to our spouse (see Genesis 2:24, KJV).
How do predicaments like these happen?
Since we no longer have a traditional rite of passage in which a young person officially enters adulthood, marriage often ends up serving that role by default. Sometimes, though, even marriage doesn't trigger an appropriate emotional separation from a parent.
〜 If parent and adult child are enmeshed in an unhealthy way, there can be runners of that vine throughout the mar- riage-gradually choking it to death. 〜
If parent and child are enmeshed in an unhealthy way, there can be runners of that vine throughout the marriage-gradually choking it to death. A prime example: the married daughter who still allowed her mother to balance her and her husband's joint checking account!
It helps if both sets of parents give the new couple their blessing-thereby affirming the newlyweds' independence. While this may seem unnecessary with today's career-delayed first marriages and blended second or third marriages, it's a valuable gift for any husband and wife.
If you believe an in-law is trying to run your life, consider how the follow- ing principles might help.
- Honor-but don't necessarily obey. Scripture directs us to honor parents (Deuteronomy 5:16; Matthew 15:4). Their wisdom, years of sacrifice, and role in them the family are reasons to respect in our hearts and our actions.
〜 "You have got to stand up and be an adult," Jimmy had said the last time. "I'm tired of seeing you hurt under her thumb, and I'm ready to be married to an adult instead of a child." 〜
Obeying parents, however, is clearly time-limited. If we're still trying to obey Mom and Dad, we're not leav- ing them and cleaving to our spouse. While it may be difficult to defy their spoken or unspoken wishes, there may be times when it's necessary.
Take, for example, the question of where to live. Some parents attempt inappropriate—though sometimes well- meaning-control over their adult children in this area. Promises of houses or land ("Adjoining ours, of course!") or simply taking the children hostage emo- tionally ("You can't move our grandchildren away from us!") can result in significant generational strain. This and other issues must be dealt with quickly and directly, lest the marriage suffer the consequences.
- Maintain mutual respect. Healthy parents have many opportunities to do this. Decisions about grandchildren, finances, careers, and many other impor- tant issues are chances to honor adult children's autonomy.
The need for respect goes both ways, of course. Healthy sons- and daughters- in-law attend responsibly to their new duties, making sure issues like money and child care aren't dumped in their parents' laps-on purpose or by default.
Sometimes spouses need to ask for their parents' respect even if it's uncomfortable to do so. If a controlling parent is sharing private information without permission, raging verbally, or otherwise acting inappropriately, it's up to the adult children to ask the parent to observe safe relational boundaries.
- Check your assumptions. Especially when a first child marries, it's common for all involved to have immature expectations. Visions of "one big happy family" can quickly turn to disillusionment, as each generation operates from its own perspective.
Assumptions lead to misunderstandings. Parents shouldn't assume that because they've always liked a particular brand of car, their kids will want to buy the same. Husbands and wives shouldn't assume Mom and Dad will do all the cooking at Thanksgiving.
- Be open to mediation. When things break down on either side of the generation gap, a third party may be helpful. While not trying to provoke a feud, spouses should solidly back each other and respond as a team. Mediation should be God-honoring and principle-centered, and should support the marriage.
For mild or short-term conflict, one side might let the other choose a trusted minister or other third party that all can agree on. In the case of more complex, severe, or ongoing conflict, the services of a professional counselor will be valuable.
Some participants may see mediation as embarrassing or meddlesome. Encourage them to view it as a chance to cooperate for the good of the entire family. If total agreement isn't reached, that's okay; the goal isn't a merger of the generations, but a partnership between them.
Dealing respectfully but firmly with a controlling in-law takes fortitude, especially on the part of the son or daughter whose parent is the offender. That was the case the next time Savannah's mother called with another interrogation.
Relating to a controlling in-law is one of the trickiest problems a marriage can face.
Swallowing the acid that threatened to eat through her esophagus, Savannah thought through the words she'd practiced so many times. This time she would say them.
"Mom," she interrupted, "when you call and say these things it makes me very stressed. I need for you to not call unless you can be pleasant and appropriate. I'm an adult now. My marriage, education, family planning, church attendance, and weight are not your concern anymore."
There. She'd said it.
She waited for a response, afraid she might faint. When there was no sound from her obviously stunned mother, she continued, “I'm going to hang up now. In a few days, when you've had a chance to think about what I said, I'll call you and we can discuss it like adults if you're ready. I love you. Good-bye."
The next step was up to Mom. But Savannah had taken an important one toward a healthier family dynamic.
Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.
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