How Can We Avoid Infidelity?
By Rob Jackson, Founder & Lead Coach
Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy
Emily was blown away when she heard that a friend had been caught in an adulterous relationship. "She's in my Bible study on Tuesday mornings!" Emily exclaimed to her mom on the phone that night.
As she absorbed the news over the next few days, Emily began to wonder about her own marriage. Kevin had never given her any reason to question his faithfulness. But her friend's husband had thought the same thing about his wife, and now he was devastated.
Should I check his e-mails just to make sure? Emily wondered. Immediately she felt guilty for even thinking such a thing.
Maybe you've noticed that adultery is a huge problem, even in the church. Perhaps you're worried that your marriage might be the next to crumble.
It's no wonder that infidelity is such a threat. Our culture sets us up; televi- sion and movies vividly portray sexual desire as an uncontrollable force, unstoppable by moral or spiritual convictions. Dating relationships start younger and younger, with "serial dating" providing a perfect training ground for serial marriage and physical intimacy outside its bonds.
Even our jobs can threaten our marriages. When we're assigned to travel or work long hours with coworkers of the opposite sex, our boundaries—and marriages can fall.
Not all adultery is physical, of course. Most physical affairs begin as emotional ones. While an infrequent dream about a sexual encounter with someone else is not necessarily something we can control or should feel guilty over, indulging in daydreams about a coworker is dangerous.
Viewing pornography is another form of infidelity. Though there's no contact with another person, it's as adulterous as physically touching a partner (see Matthew 5:27-28). Virtual affairs are becoming commonplace, too, as people visit Inter- net chat rooms at home and work.
〜 Our culture sets us up; television and movies vividly portray sexual desire as an uncontrollable force, unstoppable by moral or spiritual convictions. 〜
Believing some dangerous myths about adultery puts us at further risk. Many of us assume unfaithful spouses must have set out to have an affair, and that we would never choose that option ourselves. But most adulterers who are professing Christians never started the process intending to have an affair.
Another misperception is the idea that the husband is usually the unfaith- ful partner. A moment of reflection will reveal that for every heterosexual man who commits adultery, there's a woman participating, too.
Affairs are not usually with a stranger, as some assume. Most are with some- one the unfaithful spouse already knows.
You may wonder whether infidelity always means the end of a marriage. Surprisingly, it doesn't. Most couples don't divorce after adultery. The offended spouse tends to show great emotional stamina after discovering the affair. Some- times this is due in part to an unhealthy dependency or neediness; but many times there's an ability to forgive that can only be attributed to God's grace.
〜Affairs are not usually with a stranger, as some assume. Most are with someone the unfaithful spouse already knows. 〜
Another reason many marriages survive adultery is that God is for marriage. While His justice demands we honor Him first, rather than enabling an unrepentant adulterer to continue to sin, He wants to give us a way out of the brokenness.
The best time to deal with infidelity, though, is before it happens. There are ways to protect your marriage.
You can start by becoming informed. Rather than fretting, "If we really trusted each other I wouldn't be concerned about this," you can say, "If I value my marriage I will learn how to protect it."
Basic strategies for guarding your relationship include the following.
- Don't develop deep friendships with people of the opposite sex. Again, most affairs begin at the emotional level.
- Bring your marital complaints to your spouse rather than confiding in someone else.
- Be careful with touch. Dropping physical boundaries is never wise.
- Don't have private e-mail and phone accounts or keep other significant secrets from your spouse.
- Avoid business travel or late hours alone with coworkers of the opposite sex. Have a third party present when you work together.
In a larger sense, fending off infidelity means working on the sense of closeness you and your mate share. Adultery is a symptom of intimacy disorder. If your spouse strays, that behavior is only the tip of the iceberg. Under the sur- face there are damaged thoughts and emotions, and a troubled relationship with God that are the real threats to your ship. If you need the help of a therapist to deal with issues like these, don't hesitate to get it.
〜 The best time to deal with infidelity is before it happens. There are ways to protect your marriage. 〜
"Man, that's awful about your friend," Kevin said when Emily told him about her friend's adultery. "I'm glad we'll never go through that. "
"Me, too," Emily nodded. But she was frowning.
"What's in your head?" Kevin prodded.
"Oh, it's silly-nothing, really. It was just such a shock to hear that someone could be going along think- ing everything was fine, and had this strong, Christian marriage, and then . . ." Her voice trailed off.
"You got scared?"
"No, not really. Honestly, I've never felt any reason to worry. It's just . . . neither did he, as far as he knew. Oh, I'm just rattled, that's all."
"Well, how about this, Babe?" Kevin put his arm around her and pulled her close. "Whether it's sharing an e-mail account or anything else you can think of, I want to do whatever it takes to make sure you never have to wonder. That's one thing I can fix."
Kevin had the right idea. A faithful spouse is purposeful, going beyond simply "not meaning to" have an affair. He or she means not to, and acts on that intent.
Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.
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