The Carrie Abbott Show - Help for Single Parents (Transcript)
Speaker: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Kerry Abbott Show your place for news views and values you can trust and relationship insights you need. Now here's Kerry Abbott.
Speaker 2: Friends, it's so good to have you with us. I'm so grateful you're part of our listening community. Or maybe you are new, a new listener on the radio show that's airing in your state, or the podcast that you hear at some point.
We welcome you and one of the things we love to talk about on this show, it is called Relationship Insights for a reason, because we believe that we need to tackle any issue that impacts your relationships because why God made us for relationship. In fact, he's the one who designed the whole plan, every blueprint for human flourishing.
Comes from him, and one of the greatest things that he designed is family. And you often hear that term used even for the church. But when it comes to the family, a mom and a dad who come together in the [00:01:00] Union of love and create children with God's amazing help as he breathes, or even through adoption, creating family, it is an intentional plan to raise a little human being made in God's image, to be a whole healthy person who can be a signpost to the fact that God exists, he's real and he loves them, unfortunately.
Sometimes due to often by either divorce, separation, a death of a spouse. Other incidents, we find that there are many parents who are single parenting, and we want them to be encouraged today because you are heroes as far as we're concerned, and someone who's going to help me explain why you're. So heroic is Rob Jackson.
He's a focus on the family licensed counselor, and Rob is so great at offering hope and encouragement and some real practical guidance for single parents and their children, and we're going to tackle some of that today just so you know. Rob's been a licensed counselor with focus on the family counseling services for quite some time, and he specializes in phone calls that they [00:02:00] take there on sexuality and marriage and parenting.
So he really is the guy you want to talk to or at least connect with at some point. He and his wife live in Colorado Springs. They have two adult children and apparently one daughter in love and a sweet baby granddaughter. So we celebrate that with you. Rob Jackson, it's great to have you back on the show.
Welcome.
Speaker 3: Well, thanks so much and since that bio was written, we've got a grandson as well.
Speaker 2: Well, there you go. Being pro-life and proven it. That's excellent. Good for you. Well, Rob, you heard, uh, in the intro there, you and I are both are for family. We believe family is so powerful and God's plan but doesn't always go exactly as we plan.
Right.
Speaker 3: That's right. Not in a fallen world. There can be a lot of surprises.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right. And I know a lot of very brave single parents or who, people who go through seasons of single parenting for a variety of reasons, maybe either remarry after a death of a spouse or a divorce, but there are a lot of issues that we need to tackle to help that single parent, whether they're the [00:03:00] mom or the dad.
They have such an important job, don't they?
Speaker 3: Well they do. And you said in the intro they're heroes and I couldn't agree more. I got one of the most important jobs and they're doing it was maybe some limited support.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: So I hope today we can help them.
Speaker 2: I want to remind people that not only do we not judge you for situations you find yourself in, we know that God wants to come alongside you.
But we wanna be clear. Um, the parent who is a single parent knows better than anyone that the, the job to raise a little person, even though they're small, they are muddy and powerful. And it takes two because it's tiring and no good society intentionally creates single parent homes. We just don't, we're not supposed to do that, but it's not wisdom.
In fact, every social agency that we have to create is because there's a missing parent often, and that is not God's design. So when we say that we're for single parents, you need to be really clear how much we're for you and why we believe we wanna stay on track. Yeah. Those [00:04:00] of you planning a family in the future, it's a mom and a dad because that's the way God designed it.
Now, back to the single parent, Rob, what's the first thing that comes to mind with those parents that you have walked alongside? What's, what's some of the biggest issues?
Speaker 3: Well, one of the first is just the grief and the shock of being a single parent. Hmm. You know, they didn't plan it that way.
Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: Uh, most of the time at least.
And so they're going through all kinds of ups and downs. Life probably feels like, you know, whiplash.
Speaker 4: Hmm.
Speaker 3: And so you can think about the usual things anyone experiences with grief, like, for example, denial. This can't be happening to me. I can't believe this, you know, anger, uh, I'm, I'm so frustrated.
Especially if there's been, you know, a parent who didn't show up. A parent who is not responsible. Um, and then sometimes people get busy, really overcompensating like, well, you know, I'll pull myself up by the bootstraps. And eventually you'll discover depression can set in. And it's not that everyone goes through these stages, let [00:05:00] alone in this order, but this is pretty typical for something like grief and stress.
And then. We hope there'll be some acceptance, but even more carry for our audience. I hope that they'll be able to abide in Christ. If you found yourself as a single parent, God was not sleeping. Hmm. God is still active and he cares for you.
Speaker 2: He does, he does so much and regardless of who's at fault for what decisions or what happens, so much pain.
And it's interesting that you start with that. I think it's really wise because often we wanna bring help to people in places where they're still hurting. And so we need to lead with, hey, we need to care for you and care for that pain and allow you to process and, and know that it's actually valuable, that you're worth being able to say, this is really stinks.
Right? Mm-hmm. Instead of, well, I'll just have to get it together 'cause the other one is so lame, you know, whatever we're thinking. Yeah. We, I think that's so, so wise, how long does that process take, would you say?
Speaker 3: Well, you know, it varies [00:06:00] for everyone, and some situations are more grievous than others. Mm. So was there a death, you know, some people go through divorces and say, I, I feel like that was worse than a death.
Speaker 2: Yes,
Speaker 3: yes. You know, sometimes there's abandonment or there's domestic violence. So it really depends on the person and their, their abilities, their support systems, but also the context they find themselves in. But grief, I mean, it can take a year, it can take two years. It wouldn't be unusual
Speaker 2: if somebody doesn't recognize that they are grieving because they had just, just had to jump in.
Right? Mm-hmm. Right. And then, then what kind of things would they notice? In their own just day-to-day life or some feelings, what's gonna pop up that they'll recognize, oh, I am, I have a loss and I need to accept that. That's real.
Speaker 3: Carrie, that's such a good question. It could be things like irritability, sleeplessness, maybe sleeping too much.
Tearfulness, um, you know, it could be [00:07:00] self-medicating with food or alcohol or internet games, you know, uh, these are the kinds of things that tend to pop up when we're in denial when we're not coping well. And of course, as Christians, we wanna live in reality. Right, and that's where God is and that's where the Holy Spirit can help us with whatever we're facing.
Speaker 2: That's right. And not to be ashamed, my goodness, there's so many things. Each of us, I wake up every day and like, okay, Lord, what do I need to be dealing with that I'm either trying to, you know, just look away from, or, you know, because even when you have a, uh, what I would say is a good, healthy life, there are so many aspects.
The more people that you engage with, the more people that you love and your family and beyond, the more risk you have. To have pain and suffering. Again, back to the single parent who can't really spend a lot of time just sleeping their day away. They have children to take care of and they have children that they need to help thrive.
And I know you have some really good, some good tips for them because that is the goal. We don't want your children to suffer [00:08:00] anymore than they already have. We want single parents to know your children don't just have to survive. They can thrive. Isn't that right?
Speaker 3: Well, that's right. And one of the first things that you can do for your children.
And it sounds paradoxical is take care of yourself.
Speaker 2: Mm.
Speaker 3: Modeling self-care is not selfish. That's good. It's actually stewarding your life before God. And it is empowering you to be a parent who can stay the course. So by all means, think in terms of what do I need? What do I need to do for my physical wellness, for my behavioral health, you know?
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: And I appreciate someone's out there thinking, oh, Rob, but I mean, you don't know how little sleep I got last night. Right? I mean, there is no support. And so we're gonna talk about that in a minute. But nevertheless, physical wellness. Think about your mentality, your personality, sort of the psychology of how you live your life.
You wanna be able to model healthy thinking.
Speaker: Mm.
Speaker 3: And then your spirit, spiritual life, the foundation of all this. You know, are you a friend of God? Is he. Are you [00:09:00] realizing he is your friend? Mm-hmm. Is there peace with God? If not, how can you pursue that? And then the relationality that you have with everybody from your parent to the kids', other parent, to your next door neighbor, to your coworkers.
You wanna model self-care in those four areas, and your kids can catch that.
Speaker 2: That's really good. So let's be even more specific. Is it okay to say, listen, uh, mom's having a tough time. This is not how I expected things to go. I know you feel distress too. I just want you to know what I'm gonna do is this.
I'm gonna sit and read my Bible for this much time, and I just want you to know that I'm doing that for a reason. Is it, is it good to explain all that or do you just do it because I have found that kids are really smart and they, you know, otherwise they're gonna wanna help you or fix you or something because they're observing.
That's
Speaker 3: right. That's right. I think it's good. And of course it somewhat depends on the age of the child and the disposition of the child. So what you wanna do is to be transparent and it's okay that they see you're grieving or going through a difficult time. Yes. Yeah. What you don't want to [00:10:00] do is bring them down to a peer or bring yourself down to their peer.
Mm. They're not your confidant. They're not your friend or your counselor or coach. So you're always staying in that parental role, guarding their heart. But part of guarding their heart is being genuine.
Speaker 2: Okay, so for the person who's one, I'm gonna ask a lot of questions because I really love clarity.
Mm-hmm. So not acting like they're your friend. And not the confidant, and there's reasons for that. I see. We need to take a break. I wanna put a pause button there and come back to that. Rob Jackson, our wonderful licensed counselor who's offering us hope and encouragement, especially today for that single parent.
But of course, the tips are always good for all of us parents. We'll be right back
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Speaker: And now back to the Carrie Abbott show.
Speaker 2: We're talking to Rob Jackson. He's a licensed counselor and he's helping us understand how to encourage single parents, whether through divorce, separation, abandonment, death of a spouse.
There are other reasons. Many of them are out of our control. Sometimes [00:13:00] it's a decision, but, but no matter what happened as the cause, there's a loss that needs to be processed and there are children that need to be tended to and cared for and raised, and that has to be an intentional plan, right Rob?
Speaker 3: For sure.
You really want to have a plan that's measurable, something that's also sustainable, and something that equips you.
Speaker 2: We were talking about the fact that, and I can see why this would happen, let's say the other parent. Or the person who abandons or leaves them behind. There's, there's conversations going on.
There's people are upset, there's pain and loss and grieving and anger. Mm-hmm. And so it's hard not to say things in front of your children at the same time you said, do not, um, have your child be your confidant and, and or get to their level. Or try to bring them up to your level. They have enough stress of their own and they're, they're children.
They don't process the same way. That's right. I think this is one of the biggest. Most difficult things to do, to handle well, but it's one of the most dangerous things that a, a [00:14:00] parent can do is to defame the other parent, or, you know, tell all the, all the know the details. It's not for the kid to know.
Correct. Because they have to have a relationship with their other parent unless they're unsafe.
Speaker 3: They do have to have a relationship unless they're unsafe. And yes, you want to be kind about that other parent. You want to be, uh, aware, however of what does that child know.
Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: Sometimes children know more than you want them to know.
Right.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 3: And you also have to go back to again, what is age appropriate. You know, a 5-year-old can have a little bit of information. A 12-year-old can have a great deal more. Yeah. A 16-year-old still even more. So you think, what is my motivation in sharing and would I get a second opinion before I share?
Hmm.
Speaker 2: Hmm. That's good. That's good. And yes, asking questions might be a good way to, Hey, did you hear me talking on the phone recent? What did you hear? Or, you know, just asking questions so that you can get it on the table and then remove the burden. [00:15:00] This is what I have this picture of is listen, these, these facts, this data, these, this reality is a huge burden on the shoulders of your child.
So somehow, even as the single parent, we need to remove that. So it's appropriate, it's okay that they know, but we don't listen, honey. It's okay. We have people that will help me manage this. Wanna free you to, to do your jobs, you know, to do what you need to do. And that's, that has always been my sense with my own children raising them, that I wanted them to learn and grow and not protect 'em too much, but it removed the burdens that were not theirs.
Speaker 3: Right, and you said something very important. You know, I've got people helping me, I've got people supporting me,
Speaker 2: right?
Speaker 3: So the single parent needs to think through, okay, who are my family members? Who are my friends? Do I have a pastor? You know, do I have a counselor or a coach, or maybe a support group? So you want to have friends and you wanna have support people in various.
Categories. Mm-hmm. So you're not finding yourself isolated. Right. And when you've got these questions that are coming up, what should I [00:16:00] say to my child? You know, the other parents that they were gonna pick the child up and they did not. Again, they didn't keep their word
Speaker 4: right.
Speaker 3: So instead of just, you know, going off on the other parent to the child, call up one of those support people and say, I need prayer.
And I also need wisdom and guidance on what to say this time.
Speaker 2: And that is so good. So creating a support team. I mean, if you, if feel alone right now and you're listening to us and you're thinking, wouldn't that be nice if I had that? Well. It's, that's part of this prescription from Rob Jackson, our wonderful counselor today who says, Hey, you need a support team.
You know, this is where I know the church is supposed to play a really huge role. The challenge is you, it's hard to walk into a church as a stranger and get this kind of support initially. There has some, you have to build some relationships. I know a lot of healthy churches have groups for single parents.
Um, there's all kinds of, um, divorce care groups that are out there now. I recommend people go there, but go with the safe family members, the person who is able to be mature for [00:17:00] you and give you good counsel. Don't go for the friend who says, yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right. He's a sc you know? Yeah, you're right.
I mean, keep those friends, but they're not really the ones you want to lean on for. Good counsel. Rob, am I off here? It just seems to me we
Speaker 3: need wisdom. No, you're so. You're so right on. I mean, be very cautious of who you take counsel from. The scripture talks about, you know, there's safety in a multitude of counselors.
That's right. Mm-hmm. That's a proverb. It's only gonna be as safe as the people you pick.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 3: And so be very discerning.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: But so many times people are walking with shame and embarrassment, and rather than reaching out for help, they're basically. Tunneling inside and not getting the help they need.
So be very cautious about isolating.
Speaker 2: Hmm. So true. And I know one of the things that you wanna encourage people to do is for them to stay healthy, mentally and spiritually healthy. Can you describe what that looks like?
Speaker 3: Yeah, absolutely. So we wanna cooperate with God's [00:18:00] design. We are spirits with minds and bodies, and we live in relationships with one another.
Right. So I understand you've got just a premium on your time alone. Maybe you don't hardly have any, but how can you find time to take care of your physical wellbeing?
Speaker 4: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: If it's only a 15 minute walk at lunch, what can you do for your mentality? Is there a friend you can call? Do you have some kind of hobby that refreshes you again, 15 or 20 minutes maybe after the kids are in bed, right?
Spiritually, what are you doing there? And I'm not asking, you know, are you formal with your spirituality? I'm wanting to know, are you. Friendly with God, if you will. You know, are you open? Are you keeping that line of communication open to the Holy Spirit? Just being very transparent about how you're doing.
Speaker 6: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: And then throughout the day, whether you're getting that cup of coffee or whether you're, you know, at the end of the day going back into your apartment, are you being kind to other people? I mean, your [00:19:00] kindness to them matters and they may reflect back to you, right? Some of your kindness.
Speaker 2: So true.
Speaker 3: You're not alone. You feel it.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: Many times, but you're really not.
Speaker 2: I think the lie of the enemy of our souls would say, see, see, you didn't make that work. So now look what a bum you are. Look how terrible you are. God would never love you. Which are all lies. All lies.
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2: From the pit of hell, if I could use that word.
Because really that's where they come from. And you, you are very clear. You've done this a couple times now to say. You know, be, are you friendly with God? Are you, do you find that people who've gone through this kind of loss feel like, well, it's too late now. God doesn't love me. So instead of this formal faith that you want them to put into practice, you're wanting them to just be willing to come alongside and listen for him.
Speaker 3: Absolutely. And so many times people have been injured by Yes. Other people, maybe a Wellman Christian, but nevertheless,
Speaker 2: right.
Speaker 3: Something was said poorly. Uh, maybe as one colleague used to say it was, maybe it was correct theology, but it was incorrectly timed.
Speaker 2: Mm-hmm.
Speaker 3: You know, like someone loses a spouse one way or [00:20:00] the other and someone says, well, you know, God works all things for good for those who love him and are called according to his purposes.
Ouch. Yes. Mm-hmm. Jesus wept also. Yeah. And so we need to slow down and not try to put people into a mold. Mm-hmm. Everyone has their own experience and we need to be saying this suffering that you're going through. It, it is not a mistake and you don't have to waste it. God will use this. Oh,
Speaker 2: that's good.
That's good. And he values it so much. He catches our tears. He's right there waiting for invitation to sit with you, be with you. And this is a good example for those of you who know people who've gone through the pain of this to come alongside, pay attention, ask questions, not not probing, just how are you.
Right, because the, that's right. That isolation you described is real and the, and the more isolation, the worse it gets, which is why we're prescribing for you some things that are not too difficult. There's steps that you can start taking. I love that you said, Hey, a 15 minute walk, or let's say a 10 [00:21:00] minute walk.
How about just get up off the couch and you know, and tend to yourself. It's really hard when you've been hurt. All you wanna do is let you know, just leave me alone. And I wanna kind of live in my sorrow, which I think is okay for a short time. But we are, we're talking to the single parent, the one who has children that need tending.
And of course when you do nurture, it's interesting because there's some great chemicals, even oxytocin, when you are serving people and helping people, you actually get oxytocin, right? And being That's right, grateful and gratitude. All these things actually build. Chemicals in your brain, which you know this is by God's design.
And so these are, you don't need pharmaceuticals. You need your design live in agreement with your design, even in pain and sorrow. God has a plan and a way for you to actually feel better. A sunset will do things to your mind and your brain that looking at cement just doesn't do. It's really quite amazing, isn't it, Rob?
Speaker 3: It's God has designed us to be able to heal in his own time, in his preferred way. Mm. [00:22:00]
Speaker 2: So good. Which is it's, it's very kind, don't you think?
Speaker 3: Yeah. The mercy of God is phenomenal.
Speaker 2: Mm.
Speaker 3: You know, and so if you are the one who is weary, maybe you are embarrassed, maybe you sense, oh, I'm so ashamed. Oh. Lift your head, look up.
Yeah. Look for God. Yeah. And you know, get back into the scriptures. Get into one of the Psalms, for example.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 3: You know, and just again, one Psalm a day. You don't have to read the whole Bible, you know, in eight weeks.
Speaker 2: Right. Theological treatise. We want that. You're gonna have to write a paper. That's right.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: No, the psalms and the proverbs. Because Proverbs is so chockfull of especially, well, all of it. But, um, how to walk with those who are wise and you'll become wise. And I think wisdom mm-hmm. Is God tells us to seek wisdom. Wisdom was there at the beginning when all things were created, but. To ask God for wisdom is what I know.
For me as a parent and a grandparent, Lord, gimme wisdom. Help me [00:23:00] understand mm-hmm. What this child needs. Right? Right. Because each of your children is different. They're gonna go through stages based on the grief and loss that you're going through. They're gonna feel the loss themselves. And so tending to them requires wisdom.
And I know our time has come to a close, but you've mentioned this so well a couple times. Friends, we. As much as we want to help you, the one who will help you 24 7 knows you better than anyone is God himself. We want you to lean into him. If you are not sure how to do that, you can contact us at the Legacy Institute or Rob.
What's a good phone number for them to call for counseling?
Speaker 3: Yeah. 800 a family.
Speaker 2: 800 A as in Apple family, correct. That's
Speaker 3: correct.
Speaker 2: Okay. And they call and they can seek help and encouragement, and we want you to do that. Don't feel bad. Feel empowered, right? You don't have to be ashamed with us because God loves you.
He's for you. Rob and I are mere humans, and we're for you. Rob, I wanna thank you for being with us. It's always a joy to have you, and we love your insights and wisdom, and [00:24:00] God bless you in all of your efforts in helping people be whole and healthy.
Speaker 3: That's my joy. Thanks, Carrie.
Speaker 2: Oh, you're welcome, Rob and everybody else.
It's our joy to help you. Remember, for those of you parents get blueprints off of the legacy institute.com site. They're free. They tell you how to have help your kids have healthy relationships at every age, and we'll see you next time.
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Christians have the opportunity in this election to be the most powerful voting block in this state. You are part of the governing authority according to Romans 13, so let's take our responsibility seriously. For more information on why taking your ballot to church is a great idea, or for information on the elections, simply go to fpi w.org and there you will find everything you need.
Or you can call us at (425) 608-0242. That's 4 2 5 6 0 8 0 2 4 2. God bless you, and let's defend and advance biblical values in the public square. [00:27:00]
Speaker 5: Friends, truth is under assault and lies are permeating every area of our lives. Sexual identity, confusion of our young and disrespect parents and seniors is tearing at the fabric of every family.
And good people know We must act now. We invite you to be part of our legacy truth campaign. Simple and profound way to bring light to the darkness and God's divine Design is the correction on a confused culture. Through the Truth campaign, we make it simple to protect truth, invest in truth and champion truth.
Each campaign level is unique and important. As a thank you, we have gifts for you and special event access. Go to the legacy institute.com and look for the truth Campaign banner or call or text (425) 354-8517. That's 4 2 5 3 5 4 8 5 1 7. We are in a battle for our children's identity for the family, and even our nation's foundations help us deliver truth with [00:28:00] grace.
