What If We Don't Like the Same Things?

Jill didn't know what to say when she opened Mark's gift. The pretty package had been a total surprise. "It just made me think of you," he'd told her. 

Judging by the size of the box, 'she'd thought it might be a new scarf or a sampler of chocolates. The last thing she'd expected was this lace teddy. 

Didn't Mark know she wasn't the lingerie type? She could imagine how big her thighs would look in this thing. 

Sometimes she thought they'd never see eye to eye when it came to sex. They'd been married only a year, and already their differences were clear. What would things be like five years from now-if they made it that far? 

Jill and Mark are learning to their chagrin that sexual arousal is a very individual matter. One spouse wants the lights on; the other wants it dark. Each partner prefers a certain touch, a certain time, even a certain temperature. 

When you and your mate like "different strokes," what should you do? Here are five suggestions. 

1.  Discover your comfort zone. You probably would expect to negotiate which colors to paint the rooms of your new house, or whether to serve tofu for dinner. Why be surprised if you encounter some differences in your sexual desires? As you discover your "comfort zone" as a couple, keep in mind that this process is a normal developmental task for every marriage. 

〜  Didn't Mark know she wasn't the lingerie type? She could imagine how big her thighs would look in this thing. 〜 

Some argue that this process could be helped along by living together before the wedding. But statistics prove otherwise. Studies reveal that, instead of increasing sexual compatibility, premarital cohabitation actually boosts the likelihood of sexually transmitted disease, sexual dysfunction, codependency, divorce, and loss of trust. Clearly, becoming one flesh is sacred for a reason. 

2.  Be a servant. Your approach to sex should mirror your approach to marriage in general: "Serve one another in love" (Galatians 5:13). 

Solomon referred to his wife as "my sister, my bride" (Song of Solomon 4:10). Can you keep the perspective of being brother and sister in Christ as well as being spouses? A servant's attitude can guard against letting differences in bed become a power struggle or cause for resentment. 

Basic issues of preference, such as whether to have the lights on or which positions are more pleasurable, are good opportunities to listen and learn what pleases your spouse. If something causes one partner embarrassment or discom- fort, he or she should never feel pressured to participate. It's also important that both partners express preferences without criticism and without judging each other. 

3.  Discern moral issues. Each of us enters marriage with an "arousal template" or set of stimuli that triggers sexual interest. If you've had prior sexual relationships or exposure to pornography, for example, unhealthy appetites may have been added to your template. 

Even between consenting spouses, certain sexual behaviors are still wrong. For example, a husband may claim that pornography helps his sex life-but its use actually constitutes an act of adultery (Matthew 5:27-28). Any sexual prac- tices that are demeaning or physically harmful will damage true intimacy as well as violate biblical guidelines. Work together to find what's right instead of fighting over who's right. 

4.  Address trauma or addiction. If conflict over sex escalates beyond simply choosing a "menu" you both like, it's possible there's a history of sexual trauma for one or both spouses. Associating shame or fear with sexuality is a powerful dynamic to overcome. Severe trauma can produce a condition known as Sexual Aversion Disorder. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often need the help of a professional Christian counselor to restore a healthy sex life. 

〜 Sometimes she thought they'd never see eye to eye when it came to sex. What would things be like five years from now-if they made it that far? 〜 

Addiction to pornography, fantasy, and masturbation can put another big roadblock in a couple's path. Seeing sex as forbidden, dirty, or provocative leads to unhealthy fixations. A spouse may feel the addict is "not really there" during sex or that he or she is being used as a sexual object rather than loved intimately. Childhood sexual trauma is a fre- quent precursor to pornography addiction, and professional therapy is a critical tool for recovery. 

5.   Talk about sex. No matter what sexual differences are, the first step to connecting well sexually is to do so verbally. Sometimes discussing these issues during intimacy can evoke feelings of shame or embarrassment. So it's often a good idea to wait and discuss it later, outside the bedroom. 

Once you've established a healthy pattern of communication, conversation can even contribute to the sexual experience. You and your spouse can connect physically and at deeper levels as well. Talking about your love and desire for your spouse will build a safe, satisfying experience for both partners before, during, and after sexual intercourse. 

Let's get back to Jill and Mark. Jill's still standing there with the gift of lingerie. What should she do? 

Mark hesitates, seeing her expression. “I—I hope I didn't shock you with the present," he stammers. “I know it's not your usual style, but I really thought you'd look beautiful in it." 

Jill smooths the gold ribbon on the box. She starts thinking about how Mark has shown her in so many ways that she is God's gift to him. 

〜 As you discover your "comfort zone" as a couple, keep in mind that this process is a normal developmental task for every marriage. 〜

A shy smile plays across her lips. She even quits worrying about how her thighs would look in this outfit. 

Okay, she thinks. As long as he treasures me like this, I'll wrap his gift any way he likes. 

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

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