What Does It Mean to Be the Spiritual Leader?

Kim and Trevor were highly involved at their church. They enjoyed serving in various roles, while trying to make sure they didn't spend so much time on church work that they couldn't nurture their new marriage. 

When Kim was asked to take charge of a preschool choir, she hesitated. She'd need time to pray and discuss the opportunity with Trevor, she said. After all, her husband was the spiritual leader of their home. 

When you hear that story, how do you react? Is Kim right in thinking of her husband as the spiritual leader? Or does she sound like a throwback to the days of pilgrim hats and porridge? 

Many people these days would pick the latter. At the very least, they'd have questions about the idea of husbands exercising spiritual leadership. 

Some husbands wonder, "What am I supposed to do, act like a preacher?" 

Some wives ask, "Why is he supposed to be the only spiritual leader? Why can't we both do it?” 

Others say, "My husband's not interested in leading. What am I supposed to do?" 

〜 Is Kim right in thinking of her husband as the spiritual leader? Or does she sound like a throwback to the days of pilgrim hats and porridge? 〜

These questions have at least two things in common. First is an acknowledgment that fami- lies need leaders. Second is the issue of control: Who's really in charge, and why? 

While the Bible clearly affirms the equality of men and women (see Galatians 3:28), God assigned the responsibility of spiritual leadership to husbands:

Differing roles don't mean, however, that God considers wives inadequate, less important, or less responsible as "suitable helpers" (see Genesis 2:18). Only an unwise man would reject his wife's opinions and assistance, since God created her to be his best earthly resource. 

Where does this leave the Christian woman whose husband is an unbe- liever or uninterested in spiritual leadership? Like the single Christian woman, she still has a Husband who nurtures and equips her. Like all Christian women (and men), she answers first to God. 

The wife whose husband can't or won't be the spiritual leader is to be an example to him and a representative of Christ. She resists participating in any- thing pornography, for example—that would bring him spiritual harm. If he causes physical, mental, or spiritual hurt to her or their children, she carries out her duty to leave with them immediately, lest she endanger him by enabling him to sin. 

But what about husbands and wives who share an active faith in Christ? What is a spiritual leader supposed to do? 

Christians have varying opinions on the mechanics of this question. In fact, this may be one of the most divisive issues in the church today. 

Generally speaking, if a Christian husband and wife have a healthy relation- ship, they make decisions together as equals—agreeing that Christ is the ultimate Head of their home. They compare their individual aptitudes and assume tasks based on their strengths. In some areas of service they share tasks. But they both recognize that the husband carries the greater responsibility for leadership. 

A spiritual servant-leader is ready to protect, help, and defend. For instance, if his wife is being treated badly by a parent, in-law, or boss, a man following Christ's example will sacrifice relational comfort when necessary to come to her defense. 

A true spiritual leader imitates Christ. He's attuned to his family's needs, providing physical support, grace, and encouragement. He's concerned for the spiritual welfare of family members and takes initiative to help them grow in their relationship with God. 

Even in hard times, he doesn't regard this role as boring or overly difficult. It's what he was made for. Not just willing to die for the members of his family, he's ready to live for them, too. 

〜 Some husbands wonder, "What am I supposed to do, act like a preacher?" 〜

Since spiritual leadership grows from a man's relationship with Christ, it defies a simple description. But here are a few ideas to help you get a better picture of the qualities needed. 

1.  Connection to God. He seeks his happiness in Christ first, realizing he can lead effectively only if he has an intimate relationship with God. Understand- ing he has nothing to give if he doesn't first receive from God, he looks for spiritual sustenance so he'll be able to feed his family's heart. 
2.  Balance. He pursues this for the good of his faith and family. He has the freedom to enjoy his own interests, knowing it's okay to spend an occasional Saturday morning on the golf course as long as it doesn't usurp important fam- ily time. He discusses things with his wife rather than handing down unilateral decisions, finding safety in the give-and-take of their partnership. 
3.  Nurture. He attends to his family's physical health and sustenance, and considers the mental and emotional needs of each person. He seeks to superin- tend his family's spiritual development individually and corporately. He knows his goal is a whole, functional family, not just a bunch of polished individuals. 
4.  Action. As problems emerge, he looks for proven resources that will help. He's proactive, spotting potential challenges and solutions. Instead of waiting until things get worse, he remains on the offense, delighting in applying solutions to his loved ones' needs. 
5.  Integrity. He seeks to be the safest, most respected man known by his family. He deals with each person carefully, but with resolve, recognizing that he's a steward of what God has given him. His servant leadership inspires other family members to go beyond their duties and be imitators of Christ-and of him. 

〜 A spiritual servant-leader is ready to protect, help, and defend. A true spiritual leader imitates Christ. 〜

That's the kind of person Trevor was trying to be when Kim came to him about the request to oversee the children's choir. He could tell Kim was torn between her desire to please the music committee director and her concern about the added responsibility. 

"What do you want to do?" he asked. 

"I... really don't want to let them down," she said anxiously. "All the par- ents said I'd be just right for this job." 

He smiled, shaking his head. This was so typical of her-wanting to please, but regretting it later. He knew the ending wouldn't be happy if she took the job out of a sense of duty. 

"I'll respect whatever you decide, Kim," he said. "But I can't say it sounds like a wise investment. Sunday afternoons are always a nice time for us to be together before another busy week. I'd miss that. And I'd be concerned you might be more stressed going into your week, too."

She frowned. "I hadn't thought of it that way," she said: "You're right. I almost gave away our favorite time of the week! Do you think it would be selfish of me to turn them down?” 

"Not at all," Trevor assured her. "I just appreciate your willingness to consider my advice." 

"What would I do without your level head?” she said with a laugh. 

"For one thing," he teased, "you'd be a lot busier." 

〜 A spiritual leader seeks his happiness in Christ first, realizing he can lead effectively only if he has an intimate relationship with God. 〜

Spiritual leadership shouldn't be a grim prospect. It should enhance a couple's relationship, and flow from each spouse's growing relationship with God.