What Does He Want from Me?

By Rob Jackson, Founder & Lead Coach

Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy

Derek was naturally outgoing, and that ability to connect with others had been a big factor in his success in sales. A devoted Christian, he'd never given her reason to doubt his fidelity. But it was obvious women noticed him. 

What was it the expert on that talk show had said? "If you don't romance your husband, someone else will." 

Julie shivered. Their sex life had been declining since their honeymoon three years earlier. She'd never really understood what had gone wrong. 

What does he want from me? she thought. 

Do you ever wonder the same thing about your husband? Magazine articles at the supermarket checkout counter may feature articles about "Twelve Secret Ways to Please Your Man," but does your spouse really want you to show up at the front door in Saran Wrap? 

〜 Magazine articles at the supermarket checkout counter may feature articles about "Twelve Secret Ways to Please Your Man," but does your spouse really want you to show up at the front door in Saran Wrap? 〜

Like most other aspects of marriage, it's not that simple. 

Women are often characterized as mysterious and men as more basic and straightforward. But one-dimensional stereotypes about sports cars versus pickup trucks only take us so far. Men can be inscrutable, too—and a wife who wants to be a good sexual partner looks for keys to unlock his mysteries as well. 

Here are five steps toward being the partner your husband wants. 

1.  Be secure in your own sexuality. Be proactive. Instead of maintaining a passive role, invest in the growth and development of your sex life. Rather than leaving him to guess your needs and preferences, speak candidly and without criticizing. Especially if your husband was sexually pure before marriage, there are things that only you can teach him about what you want. 

Many husbands wish their wives would more often initiate sex. In the safety of this God-ordained arena, they want to be pursued. The feeling that he's desirable meets a deep need in every man. Find out how he likes to be approached and add that to the menu occasionally. 

2.   Affirm his masculinity. There are nonsexual ways to affirm your husband, too. In private, you either build or diminish his confidence in the way you regard his interests, hobbies, parenting skills, and friendships. Show- ing respect for the things that are important to him directly affects your whole relationship. 

There are opportunities to affirm your husband in public as well. Consider how you talk to others about him, especially in his presence. Criticism or barbed jests quickly shoot down intimacy on every level, physical or otherwise. And even though nonsexual touch is often described as a woman's need, your hand on his hand or shoulder tells him and others, "This man is mine, and I'm glad." 

〜 Women are often characterized as mysterious and men as more basic and straightforward. But one-dimensional stereotypes about sports cars versus pickup trucks only take us so far. 〜

3.  Give him freedom of access. It's a thorny subject, but a husband's feeling of having to "beg" for sex is too common a complaint to omit. While you aren't supposed to be some kind of 24-hour convenience mart, do examine your attitude of availability. If you find yourself frequently making excuses, figure out what's behind that pattern. Do your part to identify and eliminate the barriers that keep you from enjoying sex, so you can be a receptive, enthusiastic partner. 

Part of receptivity includes keeping him informed of your menstrual period, ovulation, premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and other physical needs or limitations. The intricate, delicate nature of a woman's body bewilders and intimi- dates many husbands. Take the time to demystify your gynecological or obstetric issues. This will allow him to be a more confident partner while build- ing intimacy in your marriage. 

When physical or other issues prohibit intercourse, explain why-assuring your husband that you aren't just putting him off indefinitely. Be aware that even when your libido is low, his may be as strong as ever. Use creativity and teamwork to find a menu of sexual touch that will satisfy both partners' needs until intercourse is possible again. 

4.  Understand his sexual needs. Men need sex in order to feel intimate; women need intimacy in order to feel sexual. While this is a broad generalization, it describes a basic contrast in our creation. Testosterone causes your husband to desire and think about sex more than you do. Most men desire sex at least three times a week and think of it more often than that. 

While you shouldn't blindly force yourself to serve him sexually whether you feel like it or not, at least start by asking him what his needs are. Your discussion should assure him that you don't see your differences as an issue of bad versus good. It's important for him to know you understand his needs and that you care about meeting them. 

〜 Many husbands wish their wives would more often initiate sex. In the safety of this God-ordained arena, they want to be pursued. 〜

5.  Help him stay faithful. A man's visually-oriented arousal mechanism is part of God's purposeful design. The fact that your husband delights in how you look, feel, and smell can be a source of enjoyment for you both. Neither of you should obsess over appearance or compare yourself to Hollywood icons, but general attention to how you keep yourself is an important part of his sensory experience.

Be especially mindful of how our culture affects men. Pray for your hus- band's spiritual, emotional, and physical protection. Provide a safe environment in which he can admit his inevitable struggles and temptations. Don't enable him with a "boys will be boys" attitude, but don't judge him for being tempted, either. Rather, consider his vulnerability a sacred trust that can bond you closer as you serve each other in Christ. 

Driving home from the office party, Julie took a deep breath. "Derek," she said finally, "I want to make sure I'm meeting your needs as a wife." 

Derek's eyes widened. "You mean um.. sexually?" 

"Well, yeah. Those women obviously noticed you. I just want to make sure you feel... satisfied." 

Derek looked thoughtful. After a long moment he reached over and gently squeezed her hand. "That's really nice of you to say. I know we have some things to work on, but I'm very satisfied with you. I thought you knew that." 

Julie sighed. "Sometimes I don't understand what I should do. I want to be the kind of wife you can talk to. I mean, to tell me if there are things you wish were different or better. We need to talk more." 

Derek nodded slowly. 

We might not be there yet, Julie thought. But it's a start.