How Should We Talk About Sensitive Issues?

By Rob Jackson, Founder & Lead Coach

Rob Jackson’s Icebergology™ Coaching Academy

Let's face it: Some topics are trickier than others. Even in the happiest marriages, issues like in-laws, finances, and sex can quickly shake things up. 

Corey and Jen are building their first house. Every time Corey shares an idea about changes to the plan, Jen gets angry. Even when he tries to apologize, she may still attack him. 

Corey knows that Jen has a difficult relationship with her father, a contractor in another state. Corey wonders if this influences her reactions to him, but doesn't know how to bring it up without making her mad. 

When tough topics come up, couples can find lots of places to veer into the ditch. Many mistakes come from inexperience as husbands and wives bounce from one conflict to the next, experimenting with various solutions. 

When it comes to talking about sensitive topics, some pitfalls are dug way before marriage. If you didn't get the right skills in your family of origin, it's hard to man- age conflict with a spouse. The twin ditches of (1) avoiding conflict at any cost and (2) escalating into chaos are often more familiar than the path itself. 

〜 When it comes to talking about sensitive topics, some pitfalls are dug way before marriage. If you didn't get the right skills in your family of origin, it's hard to manage conflict with a spouse. 〜

Even engaged couples need to begin communicating and making decisions as if it will affect the rest of their marriage-because that's exactly what will happen. One couple encountered this challenge while preparing to choose a china pattern. The bride's mother assumed she'd go with her daughter to make the selection; the fiancé recognized this as his privilege and responsibility. Fortunately, communicating these expectations early on opened the door to greater harmony in the future. 

In addition to the old habits you bring into a marriage, new challenges can quickly crop up. Even the idyllic honeymoon phase can raise a number of touchy topics. A major purchase or holiday tradition can seem bigger than your relationship if you aren't prepared. 

How can you prepare yourself to talk about those sticky subjects? Here are three suggestions. 

1.  Get practical skills. At the nearest Christian bookstore, you can find strate- gies for dealing with sensitive issues. Shelves of books on marriage address the role of communication. Improving body language, word choice, and tone of voice will greatly improve your results. 

So will picking a better time and place for your discussion. After Corey and Jen made yet another frantic attempt to make decisions about the new house amid piles of laundry and the cries of their baby, they changed their approach. 

〜 If you're trying to talk about a sensitive issue, get rid of distractions like television. Find a time free of interruptions from children and pagers. 〜

"Look, Hon," Corey said. "We're never going to accomplish anything like this. Let's get away and just talk over a nice dinner tomorrow night when I get off work. What do you say?" 

"If we can leave this discussion until then, I think I can handle it just fine,” Jen answered. "I'll call a sitter if you'll just promise me I won't have to hear the words 'floor plan' or 'crown molding' until then. I'm sure we can work some- thing out if we calm down and put our heads together." 

If you're trying to talk about a sensitive issue, get rid of distractions like tele- vision. Find a time free of interruptions from children and pagers. Still, don't let things get worse while you wait for the "perfect" time. It may never come. 

One of the most practical things to do is to start your discussion with prayer. This habit can transform your marriage as you invite the Holy Spirit to guide your conversation. It also helps you steer clear of the pothole of con- fronting your spouse impulsively. 

Speaking of steering, remember that driving along a cliff is even harder going in reverse. In other words, don't bring up past issues while trying to resolve new ones. If many of your old conflicts lack closure, get a mediator-a pastor or Christian counselor-to help bring your marriage up to speed and moving forward again. 

2.  Be principle-centered. Don't ask who's right. Ask what's right. 

Imagine a couple fighting over the perennially thorny issue of money. If both spouses take time to examine biblical principles of money management, they'll often emerge with a plan they agree on. The idea of attacking the problem, not the person, creates safety for sharing at a deep, effective level on any topic. 

3. 3. Partner with your spouse. "If only I could get a little help around here!" Kelli said to no one in particular as she stormed through the den. 

Dan recognized that tone. His wife had been home with the baby all week while he was out of town. Her usually sweet demeanor had vanished after about the fifth day. 

He came down the stairs to find Kelli had dropped into a chair. "I'm sorry I'm being so huffy," she said with a sigh. "I'd be grateful for any help you could offer." 

He started gathering the newspapers from around the chair. "Why don't we try to come up with a plan before my next trip? Maybe we can arrange mom to take Haylie for an afternoon. Mrs. Duckett from church is looking for extra income. She'd probably be glad to help you around the house for an hour or two." 

"Actually, that sounds great. You wouldn't mind?" 

Dan shook his head. "Single parenting is hard, even if it's only for a week. When I can't be here to give you a break, I should at least help you find some kind of solution." 

While it's critical to find the truth about issues affecting your marriage, rela- tionship is always more important than issues. You're partners, not prosecutors. 

That partnership doesn't end when you discuss sensitive topics. Ask yourself whether you're showing your husband or wife the same respect you show coworkers and friends. If you're Christians, ask yourself whether you're acting first as brother and sister in Christ, and second as husband and wife. 

〜 One of the most practical things to do is to start your discussion with prayer. This habit can transform your marriage as you invite the Holy Spirit to guide your conversation.  〜

If the prospect of discussing a sensitive subject has you fearing (or worse yet, predicting) your spouse's reaction, you're losing focus. Your agenda should be to please God. If that's your goal, you won't hesitate to confront an issue like infidelity or addiction that tears your spouse away from Him. 

That's what Elena did with Jacob. She'd debated for weeks whether to mention Jacob's new habit-playing online video games late into the night. She told herself that there were worse things he could do. But as a recovering bulimic, she knew firsthand that any compulsive behavior would eventually tear him down and damage their relationship. 

Finally she decided to confront him: "Sweetheart, I know video games aren't immoral. But I'd like our day to end together." It was a first step toward a healthier relationship.

〜 If many of your old conflicts lack closure, get a mediator-a pastor or Christian counselor-to help bring your marriage up to speed and moving forward again. 〜 

Talking about sensitive issues isn't easy, but it can make your marriage the vehicle that drives both of you closer to God. And two people with the same destination can't help but move closer to each other, too. 

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

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