How Often Is Normal?

Shifting uncomfortably at one end of the living room couch, Brady avoided the gaze of his wife, Deanna, who sat at the other end. 

"I don't think I'm... abnormal to want sex several times a week," he said, keeping his voice down. "But the way you act, you'd think I was some kind of pervert. 

"No, I don't think that, Brady." Deanna couldn't keep the tears from spilling down her cheeks now. "It's just that with the baby and everything, I don't have anything left to give at the end of the day." 

Brady got up and started pacing in front of the fireplace, his arms extended in exasperation. "We waited to get married--and you know how hard that was. I thought once it was 'legal' we'd want to do it all the time!" 

Researchers don't all agree on how often the average couple has sex. According to Understanding Human Sexuality by Janet Shibley Hyde and John D. DeLamater (McGraw-Hill, 1997), the largest percentage of married couples reporting in a study said they had intercourse three times a week. But as an article on the MayoClinic.com Web site points out, "Statistics on sexual behavior can be quite misleading. For example, a couple might read that the average married couple has intercourse three times a week. They may not be aware, however, that this  average includes a wide range. The frequency of intercourse might range from zero for some to 15 or 20 times a week for others. Therefore, even if their frequency of intercourse is more or less than three times a week, their behavior is within the range of normal human experience." 

Oversimplified averages can create anxious reactions. If you have sex more than twice a week, does that make you abnormal? If you have sex twice a month, is your marriage less healthy than most? 

Here are five things to remember when you and your spouse aren’t sure whether the frequency of your sexual activity is "normal.” 

1.  Every couple is different. Frequency of sexual activity can be a measure of the general health of a marriage. But there's no numerical standard that applies to every couple.

Factors like gender, individual expectations, developmental maturity as a couple, and cultural differences all affect the numbers. In early marriage these variables are especially evident, as the honeymoon effect wanes and we find out where our own "normal" will land on the scale. 

During the first years of marriage, it's especially important to discern which sources of information about sexuality can be trusted. You can't gauge what's normal from the impressions given by many TV shows and movies, for instance. Sex also deserves the honor of privacy, which discourages comparing notes with friends on what works for them. In addition to seeking wise, godly counsel from a mentor, you might find helpful several books by Christians. You'll find some listed among the resources at the end of this guide. 

〜 If you have sex more than twice a week, does that make you abnormal? If you have sex twice a month, is your marriage less healthy than most? 〜

2.   Quality precedes quantity. The parenting myth of "quality time" over "quantity time" happily is being debunked. When it comes to sex, though, quality really is more important than quantity. This doesn't mean either spouse has an excuse to cop out of marital responsibilities in the bedroom. It's a call to excellence. 

If you're dissatisfied with your sex life, instead of first complaining about the frequency, examine the quality. Ask yourself, "Would I want to be married to me?" Consider how well you meet your spouse's sexual needs; find out what changes might be in order. Once communication increases and needs are satisfied, increased frequency usually isn't far behind. 

3.  There's a time to serve. Sadly, a lot of factors in our broken world can leave one or both spouses needing special consideration. Sexual trauma, addiction, abortion, and disease affect our sexuality in profound ways. Recovery is often slow, requiring patience and understanding from both partners. 

A woman's reproductive cycle also requires understanding from her husband. Premenstrual syndrome (PMS), menstruation, and pregnancy-not to mention breastfeeding and caring for infants and young children can leave a wife drained physically and emotionally. At these times, a husband will do well to keep the "big picture" in mind, remembering that sexual intimacy may suffer temporarily-but his sacrificial service will yield fruit for the relationship in the future. 

4. Be intentional. Impulsive, spontaneous sex can be great, but it tends to fall by the wayside as jobs, mortgages, and children enter the picture. It's certainly possible (and preferable) to keep a fun- loving chemistry going throughout marriage, but depending on that alone is often not enough. 

〜 Frequency of sexual activity can be a measure of the general health of a marriage. But there's no numerical standard that applies to every couple. 〜

If you give your spouse only the leftovers of your time and energy, neither of you will be sexually satisfied. Planning a time and place for intimacy seems anything but intimate, but the lack of negotiation can lead to lack of fulfillment or worse, to looking elsewhere for it. 

5.   Sex is a picture. Scripture paints a beautiful portrait of Christ's return for His beloved Bride, the church. Our spiritual union with Him is echoed in every aspect of our earthly marriages, including sexuality. For example, a healthy hus- band and wife will want to focus on the quality of their sexual relationship, not just how often they have sex. It's about the relationship—not the numbers. 

It can be easy to forget that, as Brady did during that confrontation with Deanna. He remembered it later, when the two of them dropped the baby off at her mother's on the way to their weekly date. 

At their favorite Italian restaurant they drifted into small talk, both regret- ting the earlier conflict. 

"Hon, I'm sorry I raised my voice to you earlier," Brady finally blurted, then glanced around to make sure other diners weren't looking his way. "I think I've just been feeling like you don't want me like you used to. I mean, I know in my head there are other reasons. My heart just doesn't always pay attention." 

Deanna fished in her purse for more tissues. "I do want to show you how much I love you," she whispered, hoping the people around her didn't notice her tears. "I get caught up in the diapers and the feedings and everything else. I'm glad we've at least got our date night to remind us to focus on us, too.”

Originally published in The Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, a Focus on the Family book published by Tyndale House Publishers. © 2006 Focus on the Family. Reprinted with permission.

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